Following on from the Not The F1 News story on Planet-F1 – Marussia Get Surprise Bidder – we consider what F1 would be like if it were run by the Top Gear team. As the latest series launches tonight on BBC2 here are ten things that would almost certainly happen if they took over from Bernie and Jean…
Jeremy Clarkson would be the Bernie Ecclestone figure, the authoritative alpha male in charge of the sport; outspoken, loved by many, loathed by some, he would call the shots.
James May would be Race Director Charlie Whiting, the man committed to safety (with his reputation for caution as ‘Captain Slow’) and making sure that things ran sensibly and to schedule.
Richard Hammond would be the bloke who gave the towels out after the race.
There would be no qualifying in the race cars. Drivers would take their turns to get a grid slot by doing a lap in a ‘reasonably priced car’.
Negotiations for a future Argentinian Grand Prix would halt straight away.
The FIA race conferences would change format. The drivers would come and talk on the Top Gear settee with good-looking women carefully positioned behind the drivers to be picked up in each camera shot.
The pace car would no longer be a Mercedes SLS AMG – instead, The Stig would drive a series of the World’s best supercars, such as the Bugatti Veyron or a Lamborghini Murcielago (though Monaco might be a challenge for some of them at speed).
There would be no Mexican Grand Prix – (type ‘Richard Hammond Mexico’ into YouTube if you need to find out why)
One of the highlights of each programme would be a ‘head to head’ interview – The Stig talking to Kimi Raikkonen.
The Top Gear Team would complete challenges, such as hilarious alterations to existing F1 circuits. For example, Silverstone is close to Milton Keynes, home of the roundabout, and they would introduce a roundabout for the British GP. The German GP would have a ‘jump’ just like the old Nurburgring, and the Abu Dhabi GP would get a water-splash.
There would be no Indian Grand Prix (type ‘Jeremy Clarkson India’ into You Tube if you need to find out why)
Instead of stop-go penalties, teams would need to come in and tow a caravan for a lap. Or spend a couple of minutes buffing up the chromework on an Austin Allegro.